2 Dates Are Better Than 1

Hello everyone! I know that it has been forever since I made any updates. Life just really gets in the way sometimes.


Ok, so at the time of my last post I was about to go on a date with the Fonz. Well, since I knew that we were meeting for desert at 7:30 I figured it would not be a late night. So what did I do? Scheduled another date for 9:30....obviously. Two dates are always better than one.

Date One: "The Snooze" Meet Dennis....27 years old...deli manager at the local grocery store. Sure enough, when I arrived at the Cheesecake Factory he was wearing his leather jacket and jeans...staring at the deserts. He recognized me immediately, we said our hellos, and got our table. I'm not going to lie, it was pretty boring. He was super nice, but there was just nothing there. I really can't even remember what we talked about. It was actually so boring that I can't even think of anything to make fun of him for! After we finished our deserts he asked me if I'd like to go see a movie. Obviously I lied and said I had to go visit a friend who'd been out of town. He asked for my number, and because I can't ever say no I gave it to him. He texted me the next morning....and several more times. He even called me a few times, but I haven't returned the calls :( I'm sorry Dennis. Maybe I'll come get a sandwich from you sometime.

Date Two: The "Why Won't He Go Home?"


Meet Derek. We met at 9:30 for drinks...much more my style. He is 24...and a dog food engineer. Yes, he makes dog food. I asked him if he smelled like dog food when he got home from work and he said yes. Awesome! Maybe Rambo can date him!! He was super nerdy, but he made me laugh (which is so important). We also could go head to head on gross work stories. He seemed a little intimidated by me and I thought that was nice. I knew he wouldn't try to pull any crap! So we had good conversation. He had me laughing for a good 2 hours. I finally went home, but we made plans for that weekend.

Ok, so Saturday night he got the wonderful/scary opportunity of meeting my friends. The first thing they noticed were his ears. Yes, they might be a little big. (Dumbo big) We all went out to dinner at a sushi place. It was actually the same site as the incident with "The Biter" (chomp chomp). He doesn't like sushi (WTF?), so he ordered something boring. He did assure me though that he could fit a whole piece of sushi in his mouth. (thank God) So we were just eating, drink, and having a wonderful time. Honestly, I was glad my friends were there though. They make even the dorkiest dates seem more exciting.

So, we ended up drinking a little too much. I knew Derek had a long drive back to Franklin so I offered to let him hang out on my couch for a while. I wasn't worried about him trying anything. (oh yeah, I forgot to mention that he is actually younger than me...graduated HS a year after me. hmmm. Not exactly the older man i'm looking for) So I figured he was safe to come inside. Well, believe it or not the alcohol got the best of me again. (I know....thats crazy!) Derek started kissing me on the couch. (he was actually a sweet kisser, no biting) Had I been sober I don't think I would have been as receptive to it, but shit happens. So, we made out for a while. It was incredibly awkward. There is a good chance that I'm the first girl he's ever touched. At least that's how it seemed. He was flailing his arms about like a broken robot. I'm not really sure how else to explain it. It was slightly painful. I almost felt like saying, "Its ok, just relax...." But I figured it would come out more like, "Are you going to bite my tongue, because I kinda feel like you are having a seizure?" Poor thing. I don't think I'm that scary. Oh well. We eventually stopped making out and I was ready for him to leave so I could get to bed. Hmm. Sooo...he didn't leave. I didn't know what to say! How do you politely tell someone to go home? Especially someone as scared, sweet, awkward and innocent as him? Well, he ended up staying on my couch all night. (very weird) He left the next morning when I finally said, "Ok, I am going to class, you HAVE to leave now." He awkwardly kissed me goodbye and went home. I've talked to him a few times on the phone since then. He seems like the kind of guy who would treat me like a queen. Too bad my stupid ass is so attracted to assholes. I don't get it. We'll see what happens. I would consider seeing him again...despite the dumbo ears and smell of dog food. He's a really nice guy...and he makes me laugh.

The Drought is Over....maybe

Hello everyone! Well...I am here to report that I have a date tonight. A 7:30 desert and coffee date. WTF? Anyone want to grab dinner with me at 5:30? I realize we aren't 70 yet, but apparently my date thinks we are. Haha. He seems like a nice enough guy. And I mean...he's the deli manager at Harris Teeter. I am really just doing this for the free sandwiches. Duh. Oh yeah, here's what his email said about how I can find him....
"I'll cya tommorrow at 7:30! I'll be in a black leather jacket and jeans lookin at all the cakes at the entrance when you get there! =)"

Great, I am going on a date with The Fonz...

Geaux Saints!!!

Who dat!?! So my ladies and I had a kick ass Super Bowl Party last night. It was without a doubt the most fun I've ever had during the Super Bowl. Go Saints!!! It was incredible. We had delicious food consisting of cheese dip, a veggie tray, ribs, hot wings, brownies, bagel bites, and of course wine and hard liquor. While most of the night was spent making fun of each other's pathetic dating situations, some football was watched. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard. I woke up on the floor around 1:30 in the morning and was all alone in a dark room. I decided to get on the couch so I could be somewhat civilized. I slept until about 6:30 and then woke up and snuck out of the house without saying goodbye to AN and AA (because they were asleep, duh). This morning I had a lovely message from AN...
"Hey 'Lil Cutie-
So when you left in the middle of the night, you forgot your coke, sweet tea, remaining one ounce of vodka, all of your clothes, your NuvaRings and your AARP card. I've been very concerned all morning that you drove home thirsty, naked, and unable to get a senior discount anywhere."

Wow. So this is just a little shout out to my amazing friends!! I had so much fun last night! Can't wait for Spring Break!

The Biker Bar

Ok, so the night after Chris and I watched LOST together we went on what might have been the best date of my life. All of you who know me know that I am just right at home at a smokey biker bar. Oh wait. I'm not at all. Of course I walk in in a cute dress and trendy boots. Every other woman there had a mullet, leather Harley Davidson jacket and assless chaps. Hmm. So, how did I conquer this awkward situation you might ask? Well, I just ordered my drinks 2 at a time.
How did we end up at this place? Well, Chris just happens to be a regular there. He goes every Wednesday to watch the Eddie Smith band. I am not knocking the band though. They were pretty good. It was mostly country, but a really good variety. Actually, after Lord knows how many rum and cokes I decided it was a good idea to buy an Eddie Smith t-shirt....


Believe it or not I haven't worn it yet. Actually, I need to be honest. I also bought an Eddie Smith cd. Why weren't my friends there to stop the madness?
So back to me and Chris. He wasn't really talking to me very much. I don't know if it was that he was really into the music or if he had already decided that I was just a little too liberal for his taste. Oh well. He had some friends show up so I started talking to them. One of his friends, Blake, was really nice, really cute, and we actually had some mutual friends. Most of all...Blake was actually talking to me. Chris was sitting there, but you would never have known we were there together. Oh well. The more I drank the more I wanted to dance. I was getting giddy in my chair. Had my friends been there with me we would have been going nuts on the dance floor. Unfortunately I was all alone and neither Chris nor Blake would dance. I was just sitting there getting more and more drunk. I also decided it would be a good idea to pick up smoking. I have no idea how many cigarettes I smoked, but it didn't really matter. The second hand smoke in the building was already giving me cancer. I just figured, when in Rome...So, after a while I am still wanting to dance. I look over at Chris and apparently, although I said nothing, I did something to piss him off because he says (in a very very rude voice), "You have been pouting about this for an hour. I am not going to dance with you. Take it or leave it." What the fuck? Really? Well nobody talks to Smitty like that so I decided to leave it. I was putting my coat on when Blake walked up and said, "Katie, what are you doing? You can't leave! Let's play darts!" So I decided to stay and play darts. Blake was really nice. We were on the other side of the building far from Chris when Blake asked how I knew Chris. I said I had met him on the internet (I normally wouldn't have revealed this, but I knew Chris was really embarrassed about how we met and I wanted to be mean). I told Blake that I'd only known Chris for 2 weeks and there was nothing between us. Then, Smitty decided it would be appropriate to offer Blake her phone number! Ha! And he took it. So, that was about it. Chris walked me to my car later and we made out for about 30 minutes. I was mad at him, but he is still hot and a good kisser. I knew I would probably not be seeing him again (especially when he found out I gave Blake my number), so why not? Man, I am not very good at this being single thing. Oh well. I have 9 years of fun to catch up on.
I haven't really heard form Chris since that night. Maybe a one line email here or there. Blake has texted me a few times, but I won't go out with him. He is a little too redneck for me as well. I am pretty sure there is a deer head in his bedroom too.

Date #3: "The Divorced Redneck"

Ok. Meet Chris. He is 6'4", 32, divorced, no kids, great smile, funny,...and a redneck. Chris and I also met on eHarmony. We exchanged emails back and forth for about 2 weeks before we ever had a date. Our first date was back during the "Week of Jacob". I spent the entire date wondering if Jacob was going to call me (so pathetic!!) so I didn't really give Chris a fair chance. I ended up seeing him again after the Jacob crap was over. Chris and I went to dinner and had a really good time. Sooo, 2 nights later Chris invites me over to his house to watch LOST. He lives in Collierville in a very nice, big house. I was super impressed. So, we ordered takeout sushi and watched 3 hours of LOST. It was really great. Chris is kind of quiet, but I talked enough for the both of us. I soon started realizing though that most of the things he said weren't that great. For example, he loves country music. Not so much the new fun stuff, but more like Johnny cash, Kris Kristofferson, Merle Haggard. hmmm. So I am trying to find common ground and I ask if he likes the Dixie Chicks. (I have loved them since 6th grade and I'm pretty sure I know all their songs by heart) He says he does not like them. Excuse me? So of course I have to ask the make it or brake it question, "Do you not like them bc of their music or because of what they said about Bush?" Of course he replies, "Both. But, to be fair I don't like most female music artists." What the hell? What a closed-minded, anti-freedom of speech, no taste in music, dumbass. However, I still thought he was cute so we made out for a while. So after LOST was over I am getting ready to head home. He asks if I want to see his deer head. (really?) So I look around assuming that the deer head would be hanging on the wall in one of the common rooms of the house. Wrong! Of course it was in his bedroom. What would turn a girl on more than having a huge dead buck head staring at the bed....

I wish I was joking, but it was literally staring at the bed. That was the moment I decided I would never ever be sleeping in that bed. As if the head wasn't scary enough, on the other side of the bedroom was a very large case full of guns. Ahhh, so romantic. I can't imagine anything better than making love to a redneck right in between a buck and a case of guns. I'm getting hot just thinking about it. So, I left Chris's house. I still thought he needed one more chance though...so we made a date for the next night...

Date #2: "The What the Fuck Happened?"

Wow, I am really not even sure where to begin with this one. It was the best week of my life (i'm exaggerating, but it was pretty great), but seriously, what the fuck happened? I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks.
Let me start from the beginning. This is Jacob. Jacob and I met on eharmony around 1/17/10. He lives in Marion, AR, but moving to Indianapolis in mid February due to a promotion at work. We liked each other's profiles right away on eharmony and ended up going on our first date on 1/18 because I was going to be in Memphis. So, we met for sushi. He was so so so beautiful. I don't think I have ever been so attracted to someone that quickly. We had an amazing time at dinner. And yes, I ate lots of sushi and so did he. We had such a great time at dinner that we decided to go and get a beer at Boscos. At Boscos we were basically finishing each other's sentences. He was saying all the right things. He seemed like my prince charming. (in hindsight I think I was just blinded by lust) He was really interested in me too and asked when he could see me again. We made plans for a second date and then I kissed him. OMG...best kisser EVER. I forced myself to stop kissing him and I drove home. I called my mom on the way home and told her I had met my future husband. HA!
So, our second date was 3 days later. We met downtown and had oysters and then went and listened to some live blues music. It was so so so great. Again, I was just blinded by his beauty. We were just so attracted to each other. At the end of the night we made out in his truck for like 30 minutes. I couldn't help myself. He asked when he could see me again and I jokingly offered an invite to Nashville the next day. He accepted the invite....
Date 3 was the next day, Friday 1/22. He drove all the way to Nashville just to hang out with me. He knew before he came that every Friday I have happy hour with my girlfriends and that he would be hanging out with a bunch of beautiful, intelligent, amazing, yet slightly scary and perverted women. He was eager to meet my friends which meant a lot. We had a great time that night. Yes, my friends and I scared the shit out of him because we talked nonstop about vaginas, speculums, and STDs. We also talked about how sex doesn't count if there is a condom involved. haha. Apparently if you have sex with someone, but use a condom, you don't technically have to count that person in the number of people you have slept with. Needless to say, he was a little shocked by our openness, but he was having a great time. We ended up back at my place that night. Yes, I let him spend the night. I am not going into details about that....
He left the next morning and drove back to Memphis. I did't hear from him all day. I also didn't hear from him all day the next day (which was Sunday). Out of aggravation I scheduled a date with another guy for the next Wednesday. I was trying to keep my options open and not get all wrapped up in Jacob, especially if he wasn't calling. I finally heard from Jacob late Sunday night. It was short and sweet. We made lunch plans for the next day....
So date 4 was Monday (our 1 week anniversary!!). We went out to lunch and had sushi again. He was acting very weird all during lunch. He just seemed really stressed. I mean, there is a lot going on in his life, but he was just being weird. So, after lunch we went an ran some errands together. We were at Whole Foods and I decided to try and cheer him up by acting silly. Now I don't know if you know what a hand lemon is, but here is a pic...


So when you see something that crazy looking how do you not touch it? I picked up the hand lemon and started clawing at Jacob trying to make him laugh. He looks at me and says, "Put that down. Would you want everyone in here touching all the produce you were about to buy?" Shocked at his tone, I responded, "Who the fuck is going to buy something that looks like that?" And that was the end of me trying to cheer him up. He took me back to my car and we kissed goodbye. It was not nearly as passionate as it had been. We made plans for Thursday night and said our goodbyes. I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day. I didn't hear from him AT ALL on Tuesday or Wednesday either, despite a nice text message I had sent to him. So Wednesday night came and I had a date with another guy (more on him later, obviously). Even though I was on a date with another guy, I thought about Jacob constantly. I checked my phone whenever my date was in the bathroom in hopes that maybe Jacob had called. So, of course I was pissed and uncomfortable. I was drinking a little too heavily...surprised? I got home around midnight and decided that I would call Jacob. BAD IDEA!! Drunk Katie + cell phone = stupidness. I need a muzzle...and a tranquilizer. So I call Jacob in a stupor and decide to tell him that I went on a date with someone else, but I thought about him the whole time. Even though I thought I was paying him a complement he was mad at me. I told him that I was mad that I hadn't heard from him in 2 days (yes, I have since been taught that 2 days is ok...my bad) and I wasn't going to just sit by the phone in hopes that he would call. He thought I was crazy for being upset. The phone call ended with him saying, "I'm not sure if we should hang out tomorrow night or not." I said ok and we hung up. And there you have it. I haven't heard from him since. I'm not really sure what the fuck happened. It may have been the drunk dial, but he was already being weird Monday, so who knows. All I know is that he was moving to Indianapolis anyways, so was it ever really going to go anywhere? Probably not. Also, he's never had a serious relationship, which to me is a red flag. Maybe I'll hear form him someday; If not, oh well. It was a hell of a week. I still get all hot and bothered just thinking about making out in that pickup truck.

Date #1: "The Biter"

Let's backtrack. For those of you who aren't aware, I joined eHarmony on January 1st. I saw some commercial about "New Year, New You, New Relationship.." Whatev. I was trying to figure out the best possible way to get over my ex, so why not jump right into meeting new guys. I work in the field of Women's Health. The only men I am ever around are 50+ year old OBGYNs or men coming into the hospital with their wives to have babies. (Not a good idea to flirt with the husband of a laboring woman, trust me...although I do enjoy the occasional DILF) Anyhoo, so I joined eharmony on a whim. How else was I going to meet guys? At a bar? No thanks. So here we go....
ADAM i.e. "The Biter"
Adam and I met on eHarmony. He was very interested in me right away. We were talking on the phone within a few days. He lives in Louisville, KY (thank God) so he didn't ask me on a date right away. Instead he just started calling, texting, emailing nonstop. Kinda weird, but he was nice and we had a ton on common. He made me laugh a lot. The downside was that I found out he was 5'8 and 125 pounds. Hmm. So I immediately knew sex was out of the question...I would hate to crush the poor guy. (kidding) So after about 2 weeks of phone conversations and emails I decided to let him drive down to Nashville to take me on a date. He knew that he would not be staying with me, but he wanted to meet me so bad that he figured the 3 hour drive both ways was worth it. (Should that have been a red flag right away...DESPERATE?) So he comes down on 1/16/10. I was really excited before the date because technically this was my first date ever. I started dating my ex when I was 15. It was the whole high school thing where you are hanging out in a group first, then you just become bf and gf. I never really had a "first date". So I was really nervous getting ready to meet Adam. (I was also praying to God that I would be attracted to him...given his ht and wt) He picked me up and took me out for dinner. We both love sushi so we decided to get that. Now, those of you who know me know that I love food....especially sushi. I can easily eat 3 rolls by myself. Am I embarrassed by that? A little. So I am ready to dig in. I am picking out all the rolls I want. When its time to order Adam gets 1 roll. WTF? REALLY? 1 roll. Well shit. No wonder he is 125 pounds. I was pissed. Now I couldn't order 3 rolls and look like the fat sushi pig next to this twig. Ugh. So I ordered 2 rolls. The food comes and we are eating. SO DELICIOUS. I was having a pretty good time. (BTW, Adam was cuter than I had been expecting, but he has a tiny mouth...like, couldn't even fit a piece of sushi in there...he was cutting his sushi in half!!) Anyways, so little Adam has eaten about 5 out of his 8 pieces of sushi when he starts saying "man, i'm getting pretty full." What??? Really? Great, now not only did I only get 2 rolls, but I'm not even going to get to finish because I can't be the pig. I was so mad! I end up leaving several pieces of sushi on my plate. I had to watch the waiter take away the sushi and it broke my heart. Oh well. We left dinner and went to a comedy club. We are at the club and I order a beer. He, of course, orders a Mai Tai. He hates beer. OMG. So he is sitting there sipping on his bright pink cocktail complete with pineapple slice on the side of the glass. I was speechless. What kind of guy doesn't drink beer? Needless to say I was drinking a little too much. (and since I hardly had any dinner I was getting pretty tipsy, damn sushi). The comedy show was great, but I was excited to get home. We got back to my place and I invited him in. I wanted to let him use the bathroom since he had a 3 hour drive home. (btw, he only had half of the mai tai...nothing else to drink all night so i knew he was ok to drive) I decided to kiss him. I don't know if it was the alcohol, or the fact that he was so sweet and I still had hope that maybe I would magically become attracted to him, or maybe I just wanted to say thanks for driving all the way here to meet me. Also, I hadn't kissed anyone since my breakup and I kind of just wanted to jump that hurdle. So, I layed one on him. Now, I assumed that this tiny tiny little man would be a gentle kisser. Ummm, no. He bit the shit out of my lip....over and over. Not to mention that his mouth was so tiny I could barely fit my tongue in there. So, out of shock and disbelief I just kept kissing him and enduring the biting. After a few minutes I stopped pretending that he was magically going to get taller, gain some weight, and become a good kisser. We said our goodbyes and he drove back to Louisville. The next day at work a friend asked why my lip was purple. Awesome. So, there ya go. I don't think I'll be seeing Adam again.